On the second of May, 11 years ago, my dad passed away from a stroke and a heart disease. He was almost 50 that year, and I was about to be 20 in the coming days.
There’s not so much I know about my dad. Somehow, Asian fathers in his generation were made to be a mystery. No story was shared to his kin, as if a key was never made to open the lock. I cannot count how heavy weights he had to carry to his final days. He let it go at last. The suffering was not worth carrying on. Four days after he left the earth, my brother and I found ourselves on the sea, riding on a fishing boat in the northern part of Jakarta to scatter his ashes. My mother was not on the ride since it was too emotional to handle.
I don’t have so much memory of him, let alone a good one, despite us living under the same roof. Maybe because the classic narratives of ‘Mom has to take care of the kids and dad does the work’ made me think both parents have different functions. The only thing I knew before was both of my parents were coming from the same island and met in Jakarta to find jobs. He was a cook, and my mom was a hairdresser. He was lucky to finish high school, whilst my mom only could stay until elementary school because of her economic situation. Having a higher education was, is, and will be a luxury in my home country. His love was a tough one, and often forced me to study accounting for my bachelor’s (Chinese roots need to be good with money). I took advertising instead, and he questioned my future. Yet, he supported my choice.
I could vividly remember when he was bedridden in the hospital and knew I got a chance for a student exchange experience in the Netherlands due to my score. The light that had dimmed in his eyes seemed to find its way out when he heard this story. He passed away six months after that. Only until I came back to Indonesia a few months ago, my mom told me a bit about my dad in a discussion over lunch time. Perhaps one day I can understand him not only as a father, but also as a person.
May 2, 2023
Brussels - Belgium